as i watch the end of the ceremonies i watch the credits roll by. its the end to another olympics. the greatest moments of the olympics flash by as it nears the end. u cant help but have that feeling. u feel how proud the people r. im proud of them. im proud of the people who didnt win. i think they deserve credit too. they spend their whole lives training for this. for those countries who have one or two people representing them i just feel so happy for them even if they dont win or even get last place.

i was talking to my best friend earlier and i was telling him how i wish i could just be an athlete in one olympics. he pretty much said i wanna be in everything. i guess he is somewhat right. i always want to prove i can do something. give an example that anyone can make it in this world. not only that. i always want to use what i achieve to make a difference. i know it sounds like some cheesy line or a commercial but for me seeing a kid smile and look up to me makes me proud that i can make a difference in someones life.

well i already cant wait until the london olympics. maybe ill find some new sport and try and join it so i can be on the usa team lol.

the hockey game was awesome. i admit i never watched a full game but this one i did. its funny how most of the players in canada will be coming back to a usa team hahaha. this time not for their country but as a job and a career.

it was close but its ok. the gold means the world to the whole nation of canada. theyll embrace that gold for the next four years.

btw that P&G commercial with the kids as athletes is so cute. it makes u just want to have kids and be proud of them :)

gotta have my pops...

i love corn pops. sometimes when its on sale i buy like 5 boxes and eat it like popcorn. i can pretty much sit and eat the whole box. im not much of a candy person so corn pops r just sweet enough. i also like corn chex. i dunno y i just like the slight sweetness of corn products.

now high fructose corn syrup is a different story. has anyone seen those commercials for high fructose corn syrup that defend themselves. its kinda funny.

i like corn on the cob but not really with butter. even though butter is tasty its too heavy feeling.

when i eat mexican/latin foods i always ask for corn tortillas or corn anything. flour tortillas ruin the taste of things for me cuz it also gets weird when its wet.

ok so im not a corn freak. one thing led to another and i just realized i eat alot of corn hahaha.

omg i just thought of something! i love REAL cornbread. so one time i volunteered at this native american thing. i was helping grind corn kernels into corn meal. then they used it to make corn bread and stuck it in a mud oven in the ground. at first i was kinda thinking it was gross. BUT then. i tasted it. oh wow. i was in heaven. i dont think i ever tasted something that good and natural. and i helped make it! whoo hoo!

dang. i want some corn stuff now hahaha.

fireflies...

so i really like this one song by owl city. i think thats the musician. im not sure if its a band cuz in the music video he looks like hes playing everything on his own. its kinda quirky but neat sounding. in the video hes got these cool toys turning on one by one. i like that one line:

cause ide get ten thousand hugs
from ten thousand lightning bugs

i like hugs! it makes me feel warm and special hahaha.

during the fall i walk home through the dark park and i see fireflies everywhere. kinda makes me wanna spin around when no one is watching. wait is lightning bug the same thing? whatever. so those glowing bugs makes me smile like this :D it "brightens" up my day. get it? har har har

ok my shortest post ever. im sleepy! goodnite!

lonely...

so i read that article on that lacrosse guy mcintosh. im happy and proud that he finally has his life in order. his sister was gay. my brother is too.

earlier i was reading someones blog and got to a part about an abusive bf. finally got out of it and how he lay on the carpet and his mom held him. he said "she really was trying to protect me from the world and mend me." i want that feeling.

for some reason i forgot about something when i blogged about my brother. when he told my rents that he was gay.

it kinda hit me out of nowhere. reading the blog i had watery eyes and memories trickled back. i guess i blocked off that part of my memory. the moment i hung up with my brother and my thoughts of finding someone just to love me dwindled. it couldnt be a guy anymore could it. i wasnt allowed to be confused. then my mom called and that whole convo of me having being the only one left to bear the family name. i defended my brother while my mom said she would kill herself. after i hung up the part i forgot came back just now.

i began crying. i remember that now. i curled in a ball and sobbed on my bed for a long long time. when i talked to my brother again i told him everything would be ok and he said they hated him and i said u r u and they love u and so on. i hated him and i hated myself in a way. this was my last semester at school and the days of finals were coming. pressure, stress and pain.

i think i cried myself to sleep everynite until finals ended thinking i will never be able to be me. i dont know what form my soul mate would be. the determined guy or the nurturing girl from my last post. nope im not allowed to test the waters anymore. it made me not want to even try to experiment as i will destroy the family. i dont want to say he is selfish but i cant think of any other reason. y couldnt he do it one month later or five years ago.

i rarely cry. i basically cried for three months nonstop when my mother figure in life left when i was 13. i cried once after when my grandfather passed. i cried when my brother came out.

sorry im not chipper tonite. makes me think how lonely i am sometimes. that was one of the most painful moments in my life feeling like i could talk to no one. after a good cry each day i went out with friends cuz i dont like breaking promises. i remember the pain. he is happy these days. i guess he achieved his goal.

i need someone to hold me. the pillow will do for now.

goodnite.

Calvin

goodbye LA, hello to life once again...

well i left LA today. goodbye sunshine and land of plastics hahaha. the cougars had huge knockers and pulled faces. gross! also natural tans please haha. sometimes i find pasty pale cute on some people cuz u can see them blush.

yesterday when me and my friend left knotts berry farm i started talking about life cuz i dont want to see him living off his sister forever. i dont remember the exact convo but he ended up saying "i dont understand ure thinking and cant be in ure shoes." i was like how can u not even try? he basically said "because i dont have that same exact experience....so i cant." i dunno. sometimes i find that narrow minded. its like u can always draw on other experiences that r similar and use that to understand how someone else feels. i understand his situation and his dreams cuz i know what he is thinking. its a tough road for his dream but a few out of a million make it. i just wish he put the effort. he thinks he is putting a 110%. i see more like 10% lol. im harsh. oh well everyone is different. i shouldnt judge.

its late but its ok. someone whos been reading my blogs was wondering something cuz i guess i am confusing in my thoughts. am im gay or bi or straight.

i think it kinda goes back to my blogs at the beginning.

i find guys attractive but only certain kinds. i dont want to say straight acting cuz that sounds kinda offensive sometimes. i always tend to have a crush on a guy who has a strong mind and knows what he wants. that tends to be athletic guys. the sheer determination to win is really hot! he has to have a positive outlook on life and have a soft side even if its just to me. i have friends that r somewhat feminine and they r cool friends. if i wanted a feminine guy i would rather have a girl haha.

as for girls. girls must be kind and gentle and understanding. i hate whiners. i hate drama. im not too fond of gossip. well i know it happens naturally but sometimes it gets outta control and i hate being in caught in between a cat fight of he-said-she-said. for girls its hard to find an understanding one. i hear "me me me" alot and its not very attractive. maybe its the time we live in. i should just become amish hahaha.

its funny when i think of it. when i think of a perfect guy i see a responsible strong man like a father. when i think of a perfect girl i see a caring and loving woman who is nurturing like a mother. what does that all mean then? i guess i want to have kids one day! if i end up with a guy i obviously want to adopt or something. maybe that surrogacy stuff too? hahaha. i dunno. i know im an oddball since people wonder "what is he?" i guess u can say im nothing or im all or im gay or just curious. im someone who is always looking for the right one. the right one is neither a guy or a girl. it is someone to love me for me. im goofy but caring. im stubborn but understanding. im lazy but determined. im alot of things. im me. its hard to explain who i am in writing. i guess one thing i know for sure is no matter who it is i meet i become a speed dial for them in emergencies. im that shoulder people cry on. i like to understand everyone and see them for who they r.

i am always there for the people around me. my friends do tell me i dont really take time for myself and always worry about others being happy. the only thing is its hard to find someone to do that in return. maybe the times have changed from when my grandparents or parents grew up where they r there for each other. nowadays i always hear girls asking y they rnt put on a pedistal. i think thats a turn off. i mean if i love someone i would climb a mountain for them. i would drop whatever im doing if they are in trouble. sorry for using they haha. its hard typing he/she and him/her haha.

in the end if its a guy or a girl, they have to be open minded. i mean i want someone who will conquer the world with me. not in an evil way like pinky and the brain. i dont need other people in our biz but i just want to know that person will be with me till the end. love is hard to find. will it ever find me?

btw i remembered what i was gonna end my post with yesterday. im so into those olympic stories on athletes. it can be other things too besides sports. i like people who come from nothing and become a hero. i also like those who come from a silver platter but make their own paths in life without relying on others. thats what olympics r made of. u can achieve ure dreams if u put in the effort. the music and the stories get to me. oh sometimes it just gets a tear going but u wont get to see it rolling down my face lol

olympics and LA...

well i havent been really keeping up with the olympics this year but i catch some here and there at nite. it was sad to see nodar khokhobashvili end the way he did. training so hard for that one moment and then its gone in less than a minute. i totally respect his teammate for dropping out. i dont think the country of georgia will be mad. training together kinda makes u family. making the fastest course shouldnt always be the goal. safety first. it was only realized after a tragedy happened.

on another note. congrats to ohno and celski for making the podium after the south koreans made a boo-boo. it was funny though hahaha. dont get greedy! by the way i think celski is cute haha. sven kramer is hot from the nederlands. dunno what he skated in but i just saw him pop up on tv. something about winter and rosy cheeks makes anyone adorable hahaha. ok ill stop.

sorry i havent updated in a few days. i left the winter snow and went to visit my friend in LA. hes jobless now. before he had a job he was doing extra work. he wanted to be an actor. i mean doesnt every person LA want to be one?? the funny thing is everyone expects to make it one day but most people dont realize it takes more than just hope. u gotta bust ure butt and train in everything. u gotta be multitalented. well he did alot of background extra stuff hoping to get recognized. for those who dont know what that is its when u pretend to socialize or do something the director asks in the background. yea those rnt just random people in the back of the shows u watch. they hire them to pretend to drink coffee, laugh at unfunny jokes, pick their nose and so on. y would i know? i did a bit in college. not cuz i wanted to be a actor really. well i did have a dream to be in a GAP and Target commercial haha. watch them and tell me they dont make u smile. its always so cheery and clever. plus it was just another thing to try on boring weekends. i dont think my friend has that "it" factor. im not saying i have the it factor but i got chosen about 2-3 times out of a crowd for bigger scenes with the main actors. now i dont think i can act. im good at being myself hahaha. i think its cuz i didnt care if i got it but when i did it was super fun! desperation doesnt really work too well in hollywood.

hes still my friend and i support him but its weird that he wants it so bad. sometimes it reminds me of those people on american idol who sound like banshees and believe they r the best. like is that even possible to believe u r the best??? he lost his real job and kinda just bums around now. i wish he would go make himself useful but im not his dad. hes kinda just living off his sister now. i can only say so much before sounding like a nagger.

we went hiking in a few canyons. alot of eating and walking. i made him walk. LAers depend on their cars alot haha. theres more but i dont feel like typing the whole shabang again cuz i told someone cool in a long email already hahaha ;)

today was valentines day. i didnt have a valentine obviously and im still in LA. we went to knotts berry farm. i was excited cuz i love fresh things. it turned out to be an only an amusement park hahaha. it was still cool. not huge and not too packed. we rode the silver bullet and some cheesy train thing. the rest of the time was just alot of walking. i missed the live snoopy show! i was actually dissapointed. oh well. i had no idea it was all charlie brown themed there. o yea they had some carnival games. theres this one thats similar to the one at six flags where u have a gun and a big ball at the end of the pistol and u try to knock down three plastic cups. u can tell the cups r bottom heavy. well at six flags i won three times in a row. at separate booths cuz they only allow one win per day cuz its the biggest of all prizes. i thought it was easy hahaha. FBI here i come right? WELL the one at knotts was similar except when i paid and pulled the gun up it only came up a few inches. i was like "what? i have to squat?" the guy was like yea. so basically the only way to hit it is to make the ball arch up and fall onto the cylinders. RIGGED! well after the 1st three balls i figured it out but decided not to play again. i came back about an hour later and had to get used to it again. i hit two cups with the 2nd and 3rd ball. i pay one more time. now he spreads the cups further apart. that would mean there wouldnt be enough force to hit all three now. i already knew he didnt want me to win. i knocked over two on the 1st, two on the 2nd and on the 3rd one it hits smack in the middle but it dinked the cups and bounced off. RIGGED. i actually had an audience going AWWWWW each time i hit two and the last one i got a huge AWWWW. the prize was a guitar. no wonder y they didnt want me to win. i know i could have! cheaters hahahaha. after $15 i walk away and didnt turn back. im going back to six flags where i dont have to squat. ill take my giant stuffed Taz over that any day. no i want that guitar hahaha.

there was this one area called the country dancing area or something. it was cute watching the lil kids. they were playing pop/R&B songs which was odd seeing the cowboy dressed people who work there dance to them. they taught everyone who wanted to dance some simple moves. i thought of going but it was more entertaining watching. some kids got scandalous with their hip popping. one blonde kid who mustve been eight looked like he was in the making to become the next chip n dale dancer. i was like "where do these kids learn that from???" it was funny though.

we left and then he wanted to eat at some restaurant. it turned out to be somewhat fancy and everyone was dressed up. what am i wearing? a hoody and shorts with sneakers. greaaaaaat. sexy right? its ok though. i think i saw some actress there. i couldnt remember her name but she was looking nice. i think she was on those CW shows. she switched tables along with her man three times. snob! haha jk they can do what they want. it didnt affect me.

wheres my valentine? i want someone special to hug me. i guess it didnt matter. i was trying to cheer up my jobless friend haha. theres always next year. 365 more days. ::sigh::

oh yea. so i was in vancouver right before the olympics. the olympics rnt even in vancouver! i wish they gave more credit to whistler but i guess everyone would be like "what??? whistler winter olympics 2010. wth???" hahaha. its really really far up north and its cold.

i was gonna end it with something. i dont remember what though! i have the olympics on right now. im more of a summer olympics fan but winter has its moments. later.

my brother, my family, my life...

so im kinda snowed in today so no work yay! writing blogs is kinda freeing and its my daily medication. here goes!

my brother. what can i say. as a kid i saw him as a pesky older brother whos life long goal was to make mine miserable. i was always smaller and he loved to pick on me and blame things on me. oh the love. luckily i shot up like a cannon near the end of my high school year, but he had already gone on to college so i guess it wasnt that great haha.

my brother and i went to the same uni. its well known and one of the top in the country. well it really wasnt my choice per say but i ended up going there. my parents thought it would be good since my brother was there. well i must have talked/seen him a total of five times and all those times were to take me shopping hahaha.

ive always been that guy everyone knew. everyone thought i was fun and loveable and nice and funny. great qualities for a "little brother." lol. yea love hasnt come my way yet. when everyone is thirty ill still look like im sixteen and adorable. oh well. y cant someone think im hot!

so yea my brother.

last year was my last year of school. finals were around the corner. i receive this phone call from my brother warning me that he told my parents that he was gay.

backtracking a bit. he had told me some time ago. one of the five times in college i saw him he wanted to eat dinner with me one night. my friends always said i was somewhat psychic or more intuitive and i knew what he wanted to talk to me about. he took me to a sushi restaurant which was one of my favorite foods. we talk for a bit and all of a sudden he wanted to tell me something. of course. i was swindled into this trap.

bro: im gay
me: i know
bro: what??? how do u know...when?
me: in middle...
bro: huhhh?
me: in high school i mean. i remember that guy who picked u up to go out all the time and u ended up living with him in college
bro: oh so u didnt know until late
me: yea

well i lied to him. i knew when i was in 6th grade. remember my post about his porn pics? hahahaha. i didnt want him to know i knew so long ago and that would just make him feel horrible. well i just told him it was ok and he is who he is. i mean i accepted it for over half my life even though he thinks its a few years but hes still a jerk of a brother.

ok back to the call.

for some reason my stomach had a knot in it. what was i to do now? im still confused about my life! i was actually kind of angry. he used my worst time to break the news. he said he couldnt hold it in any longer. it kinda wasnt fair to me but he has never been a fair brother. i wait and wait cuz im just expecting an awkward call from my mom. finally i get the call. she was crying. she asked me if i knew. i said yes. she is mad at me for not telling and yelling at me. she tells me she wants to kill herself and she has nothing to live for. she said she cant tell her brother. she cant tell her relatives. her chances of bragging about eldest son is over.

this seemed like the perfect chance for me to get back at my brother for all the years of torment. i couldnt. i told my mom that he is who he is. she asked me y he chose this path and she thinks he is just trying to torment them. i said no. i said he is human and she has to accept him as his son. he didnt do anything wrong. he is still the same person. she keeps crying. the only other time i had heard my mom cry was when her dad died. i asked how dad took it. she said he already had a feeling and kinda knew. he seemed to have accepted it a long time ago. she said he found it suspicious when he lived with two girls in college at one point. my mom was the one in denial. i told her to calm down and i had finals the next few days.

i never told my brother but that day made me hate him. i had dedicated my last semester in school to make good grades. i had been making Bs and Cs the other years cuz i was just always partying and being lazy. i guess i do keep alot to myself. instead i spent alot of time mending what he had brought out at the worst possible time and supported him along the way.

constant calls from my mom saying that it was her last moment and she was going to end her life did not help me studying. i hated studying to begin with! none of my friends knew what was going on and thought i was the same happy person. i was dying inside. my life was suppose to start with a career after college.

my life was on hold yet again. i always put others before me which is a good quality for those who love me but for myself is a curse. i never do anything for myself and when i do i think about the others around me.

well last semester grades werent stellar. it was so hard finding a job. my family was broken. the time i spent with no job i basically sat at home talking and talking to make things right while my brother hid away in another city.

my mom made me promise her that i wouldnt be like him. be like him? what was that supposed to mean? i guess she meant its wrong to be gay. she said she wants to see me married to a girl one day with a family. looks like all the hope has moved onto my shoulders. boy do my shoulders feel heavy now. im sinking on concrete if thats even possible.

did i mention i hate my brother now? lol. *sigh* maybe its not hate more like unfair. i was happy being the outcast of the family. then i could do whatever i wanted and be left alone.

so what happens to me now. what if i fall in love with a guy one day. i guess i would have to live in a cave then hahaha. i always think back to that day. my brother was so selfish springing it out at that moment. he knew it was my finals. he knew it was my last semester. he knew my life depended on these last few days. he didnt care. he just knew he had to do what he had to do.

for a while i went into depression. my friends didnt know. my parents didnt know. my brother didnt know. it was a fight within. im glad had to do community service after finals which is another story. i stole something during my depression from big stores hehe. it was the thrill that let my depression up for a moment. anyways. the community service helped. all eighty hours of it. i pretty much did it all in seven days over ten hours a day. cleaing the dorms at the salvation army was gross but it kept my mind off of the situation. i served at the soup kitchen during lunch and dinner. it was great to talk to everyone there and hear their stories.

i remember this one girl and guy joined me at the soup kitchen a few days in. they only had like a few day to do their community service when it was assigned a year ago. i was smart and did it right away lol. well they were both cool and we all joked around. the guy was really cute. he was from princeton and during spring break he came home to party and was caught for a DUI. i had only been there a few days but i already knew how to get around everything and get the most hours out of the day. they obviously loved me for that hahaha. did i mention that guy was so cute.

see i oggle at guys all the time thinking theyre so cute. more like giddy inside. its usually the smile that gets me though. no guy would ever know though. i dont act in anyway to give them signals. u will prolly never see me stare at a guy for too long. like i mentioned before all the straight guys think im cute and adorable. they all have touched my hair at least once saying its soft lol. it sucks. i wish they would just cuddle with me and they can stroke my hair all they want! yes i said stroke my hair not my wand. lol

i dunno. i just want someone to love me i guess and i dont mind if its a guy. girls r sooooooo complicated. i just hope sex isnt on his mind all day. if it happens its cuz i love him obviously but most guys that r gay talk about sex alot. i have gay friends but im not attracted to them. maybe the reason is cuz most straight guys i think r hot r the ones that r athletic and strong minded. oh well. just go rub one out before u talk to me ok! hahaha.

i really am interested in guys but im just too shy. i went to a gay club once in my life in september last yea. me and a friend went to vancouver and his friend from there was girl who had some gay friends. she was like lets go to the biggest gay club there. well i actually wasnt that impressed. he was having a blast. i just didnt find anyone there attractive but i didnt shun anyone. i smiled as people walked by. there was alot of guy on guy grinding. alot of crossdressing, tight shirts and drag. this lady/man was on stage and it got silent. the drag queen started singing and got the whole club poppin. it must have been a cher song or something. i got into it and started jumping up and down with everyone. it was still fun but i didnt find anyone that was my type i guess. similar to my other friend, when we got back home from out trip he told everyone how we went to a gay club and thought it was so fun. haha my friends r weirdos but gotta love them.

people seem to be so proud to be with me for their first time moments. i think it could be cuz everyone trusts me so much. well i have secrets too. i wish i had someone to share them with. i always hope someone out there who reads this will connect with me and like me for me through my stories. only time will tell.

Cavin