my brother, my family, my life...

so im kinda snowed in today so no work yay! writing blogs is kinda freeing and its my daily medication. here goes!

my brother. what can i say. as a kid i saw him as a pesky older brother whos life long goal was to make mine miserable. i was always smaller and he loved to pick on me and blame things on me. oh the love. luckily i shot up like a cannon near the end of my high school year, but he had already gone on to college so i guess it wasnt that great haha.

my brother and i went to the same uni. its well known and one of the top in the country. well it really wasnt my choice per say but i ended up going there. my parents thought it would be good since my brother was there. well i must have talked/seen him a total of five times and all those times were to take me shopping hahaha.

ive always been that guy everyone knew. everyone thought i was fun and loveable and nice and funny. great qualities for a "little brother." lol. yea love hasnt come my way yet. when everyone is thirty ill still look like im sixteen and adorable. oh well. y cant someone think im hot!

so yea my brother.

last year was my last year of school. finals were around the corner. i receive this phone call from my brother warning me that he told my parents that he was gay.

backtracking a bit. he had told me some time ago. one of the five times in college i saw him he wanted to eat dinner with me one night. my friends always said i was somewhat psychic or more intuitive and i knew what he wanted to talk to me about. he took me to a sushi restaurant which was one of my favorite foods. we talk for a bit and all of a sudden he wanted to tell me something. of course. i was swindled into this trap.

bro: im gay
me: i know
bro: what??? how do u know...when?
me: in middle...
bro: huhhh?
me: in high school i mean. i remember that guy who picked u up to go out all the time and u ended up living with him in college
bro: oh so u didnt know until late
me: yea

well i lied to him. i knew when i was in 6th grade. remember my post about his porn pics? hahahaha. i didnt want him to know i knew so long ago and that would just make him feel horrible. well i just told him it was ok and he is who he is. i mean i accepted it for over half my life even though he thinks its a few years but hes still a jerk of a brother.

ok back to the call.

for some reason my stomach had a knot in it. what was i to do now? im still confused about my life! i was actually kind of angry. he used my worst time to break the news. he said he couldnt hold it in any longer. it kinda wasnt fair to me but he has never been a fair brother. i wait and wait cuz im just expecting an awkward call from my mom. finally i get the call. she was crying. she asked me if i knew. i said yes. she is mad at me for not telling and yelling at me. she tells me she wants to kill herself and she has nothing to live for. she said she cant tell her brother. she cant tell her relatives. her chances of bragging about eldest son is over.

this seemed like the perfect chance for me to get back at my brother for all the years of torment. i couldnt. i told my mom that he is who he is. she asked me y he chose this path and she thinks he is just trying to torment them. i said no. i said he is human and she has to accept him as his son. he didnt do anything wrong. he is still the same person. she keeps crying. the only other time i had heard my mom cry was when her dad died. i asked how dad took it. she said he already had a feeling and kinda knew. he seemed to have accepted it a long time ago. she said he found it suspicious when he lived with two girls in college at one point. my mom was the one in denial. i told her to calm down and i had finals the next few days.

i never told my brother but that day made me hate him. i had dedicated my last semester in school to make good grades. i had been making Bs and Cs the other years cuz i was just always partying and being lazy. i guess i do keep alot to myself. instead i spent alot of time mending what he had brought out at the worst possible time and supported him along the way.

constant calls from my mom saying that it was her last moment and she was going to end her life did not help me studying. i hated studying to begin with! none of my friends knew what was going on and thought i was the same happy person. i was dying inside. my life was suppose to start with a career after college.

my life was on hold yet again. i always put others before me which is a good quality for those who love me but for myself is a curse. i never do anything for myself and when i do i think about the others around me.

well last semester grades werent stellar. it was so hard finding a job. my family was broken. the time i spent with no job i basically sat at home talking and talking to make things right while my brother hid away in another city.

my mom made me promise her that i wouldnt be like him. be like him? what was that supposed to mean? i guess she meant its wrong to be gay. she said she wants to see me married to a girl one day with a family. looks like all the hope has moved onto my shoulders. boy do my shoulders feel heavy now. im sinking on concrete if thats even possible.

did i mention i hate my brother now? lol. *sigh* maybe its not hate more like unfair. i was happy being the outcast of the family. then i could do whatever i wanted and be left alone.

so what happens to me now. what if i fall in love with a guy one day. i guess i would have to live in a cave then hahaha. i always think back to that day. my brother was so selfish springing it out at that moment. he knew it was my finals. he knew it was my last semester. he knew my life depended on these last few days. he didnt care. he just knew he had to do what he had to do.

for a while i went into depression. my friends didnt know. my parents didnt know. my brother didnt know. it was a fight within. im glad had to do community service after finals which is another story. i stole something during my depression from big stores hehe. it was the thrill that let my depression up for a moment. anyways. the community service helped. all eighty hours of it. i pretty much did it all in seven days over ten hours a day. cleaing the dorms at the salvation army was gross but it kept my mind off of the situation. i served at the soup kitchen during lunch and dinner. it was great to talk to everyone there and hear their stories.

i remember this one girl and guy joined me at the soup kitchen a few days in. they only had like a few day to do their community service when it was assigned a year ago. i was smart and did it right away lol. well they were both cool and we all joked around. the guy was really cute. he was from princeton and during spring break he came home to party and was caught for a DUI. i had only been there a few days but i already knew how to get around everything and get the most hours out of the day. they obviously loved me for that hahaha. did i mention that guy was so cute.

see i oggle at guys all the time thinking theyre so cute. more like giddy inside. its usually the smile that gets me though. no guy would ever know though. i dont act in anyway to give them signals. u will prolly never see me stare at a guy for too long. like i mentioned before all the straight guys think im cute and adorable. they all have touched my hair at least once saying its soft lol. it sucks. i wish they would just cuddle with me and they can stroke my hair all they want! yes i said stroke my hair not my wand. lol

i dunno. i just want someone to love me i guess and i dont mind if its a guy. girls r sooooooo complicated. i just hope sex isnt on his mind all day. if it happens its cuz i love him obviously but most guys that r gay talk about sex alot. i have gay friends but im not attracted to them. maybe the reason is cuz most straight guys i think r hot r the ones that r athletic and strong minded. oh well. just go rub one out before u talk to me ok! hahaha.

i really am interested in guys but im just too shy. i went to a gay club once in my life in september last yea. me and a friend went to vancouver and his friend from there was girl who had some gay friends. she was like lets go to the biggest gay club there. well i actually wasnt that impressed. he was having a blast. i just didnt find anyone there attractive but i didnt shun anyone. i smiled as people walked by. there was alot of guy on guy grinding. alot of crossdressing, tight shirts and drag. this lady/man was on stage and it got silent. the drag queen started singing and got the whole club poppin. it must have been a cher song or something. i got into it and started jumping up and down with everyone. it was still fun but i didnt find anyone that was my type i guess. similar to my other friend, when we got back home from out trip he told everyone how we went to a gay club and thought it was so fun. haha my friends r weirdos but gotta love them.

people seem to be so proud to be with me for their first time moments. i think it could be cuz everyone trusts me so much. well i have secrets too. i wish i had someone to share them with. i always hope someone out there who reads this will connect with me and like me for me through my stories. only time will tell.

Cavin