lonely...

so i read that article on that lacrosse guy mcintosh. im happy and proud that he finally has his life in order. his sister was gay. my brother is too.

earlier i was reading someones blog and got to a part about an abusive bf. finally got out of it and how he lay on the carpet and his mom held him. he said "she really was trying to protect me from the world and mend me." i want that feeling.

for some reason i forgot about something when i blogged about my brother. when he told my rents that he was gay.

it kinda hit me out of nowhere. reading the blog i had watery eyes and memories trickled back. i guess i blocked off that part of my memory. the moment i hung up with my brother and my thoughts of finding someone just to love me dwindled. it couldnt be a guy anymore could it. i wasnt allowed to be confused. then my mom called and that whole convo of me having being the only one left to bear the family name. i defended my brother while my mom said she would kill herself. after i hung up the part i forgot came back just now.

i began crying. i remember that now. i curled in a ball and sobbed on my bed for a long long time. when i talked to my brother again i told him everything would be ok and he said they hated him and i said u r u and they love u and so on. i hated him and i hated myself in a way. this was my last semester at school and the days of finals were coming. pressure, stress and pain.

i think i cried myself to sleep everynite until finals ended thinking i will never be able to be me. i dont know what form my soul mate would be. the determined guy or the nurturing girl from my last post. nope im not allowed to test the waters anymore. it made me not want to even try to experiment as i will destroy the family. i dont want to say he is selfish but i cant think of any other reason. y couldnt he do it one month later or five years ago.

i rarely cry. i basically cried for three months nonstop when my mother figure in life left when i was 13. i cried once after when my grandfather passed. i cried when my brother came out.

sorry im not chipper tonite. makes me think how lonely i am sometimes. that was one of the most painful moments in my life feeling like i could talk to no one. after a good cry each day i went out with friends cuz i dont like breaking promises. i remember the pain. he is happy these days. i guess he achieved his goal.

i need someone to hold me. the pillow will do for now.

goodnite.

Calvin