confused...

haha im writing this as im watching the pre-superbowl. go colts!

so throughout life i thought to myself. am i gay. am i bi. am i curious. am i just confused?

when i was younger i was very girl crazy. i would always pass notes in class telling girls i liked them or thought they were cute lol. oh geez i feel silly talking about this. i had a rival. his name was will. he was the blonde kid with the bright smile and dimples. i was the cuddly kid with the big eyes. he always won because he was handsome one. i would be known as the cuddly teddy bear. no i wasnt big but was always just considered a cute version of someones little brother that they would bring home to meet the parents. will was the bad boy player.

in middle school something changed. my brother had the computer in his room. when he wasnt home i would use it. he was usually really mean so i didnt bother him. i was always easily bored. i snooped around his computer. i found one folder that was suspicious. i was thinking what is this? i click on it and it wouldnt open. then it asks me to select a program. i try everything and finally the picture viewer worked.

i was in shock what i found. it was muscle men. not only were they muscley, but they were naked. i think my eyes just popped out when i saw it. i kept searching. i was thinking no this cant be! my brother gay? click click click. i felt nauseous. i actually felt light headed. i stopped looking and turned off the computer.

from that point i stopped talking to my brother and he had no idea y. well besides that he was mean. i didnt know what to say. i was scared to confront him. i thought maybe i was just crazy. maybe a few months later, there was this strange phone call.

me: hello.
caller: hey baby!
me: huh? who is this?
caller: stop playing around chris! its ricky!
me: im not chris.
caller: yes u r babe! shuttup!
me: uhhh no im not.
caller: oh. ummm i meant...keith! is keith home?
me: sorry u got the wrong number.
caller: ok. bye.

yes my brothers name was chris. that was the worst acting ever whoever he was lol. i knew at that point my brother was gay and i had to deal with it. a few hours later my brother came up to me and asked really nervously "did someone call me earlier?" i looked at him and how much pain it would be to out him. i said "no i didnt get any call." he gave me a "are u sure" kind of look. i assured him "yea there wasnt anyone calling u." he had this big sigh of relief.

this was a hard time for me in life. i didnt know what to do with my brother. he was hiding everything. my grandfather had just gone into the hospital for a stroke and would forever be a vegetable. my parents didnt care about me cuz my brother was the star of the family. the one person in my life i considered a mother/sister married and ran off with her husband to a different city. she was my moms best friend and she took care of me and always made me feel safe. now i felt so alone.

me and my brother have always been so different. he would get me in trouble every chance he got and would laugh in my face. on the other hand, i didnt find any happiness in revenge.

from that point on, i dont think i talked to anyone for a few years. i was in my own bubble. i didnt understand y my brother could like guys.

over time i went back to the computer to check his "files." i hoped it would all be gone. no. there was ten times more. i decided i would look through all of them and see what was so fascinating about it. all i saw was muscles and rock hard dicks. i wasnt impressed. more disgusted. i could only look at so much. i thought where r the girls! there were a few random ones with girls in there which im sure it wasnt his intent. i could only look at so many until i got nauseated again.

every few days i would go back and look. the nausea was less. i began to be more accepting. then after a while i thought some of them didnt look too bad. at that point i think i started thinking about guys too which was my way of accepting it.

it was odd though. i didnt know what to make of guys. i think the reason y i started liking them in a different way was cuz i didnt have that father figure. i wasnt looking for sex. everytime i saw a cute guy, all i thought was "wow i wish i could cuddle with him." it was odd. i mean i had moments of what it would be like if i jerked off with another guy but that was it. everything else to me i just thought "ewwwww."

my thoughts were confused and of course it went great with trying to fit in HS! i remember this one girl. wow she was like a model. there was not one guy who didnt want her. she was quiet and snubbed alot of guys for thinking they can just have her cuz they think theyre hot themselves. it was funny how she always ignored them. i had one class with her. she always smiled at me. i was somewhat of a class clown and a nice guy. i would always see her laughing at me. oh how i wanted her haha but i was too chicken.

during this time i met a new student that just came from sweden named mikael and happened to get on the varsity tennis team. every girl thought he was so hot. i didnt really see what they saw. he started hanging out with alot of my friends so it was only destined that i have to know him even if i didnt want to. he was somewhat annoying but at the same time girls couldnt stop going gaga over him. i guess girls like hot jerks haha. we started hanging out more and eventually it was me and him hanging out more instead of just us within a group of friends.

we became best friends. we ended up talking everyday about the most random things. i started to think he was cute but saw him more as a brother. there was one day i remember going to his house on a summer afternoon. his parents did the whole tradtional european afternoon tea and crackers and fruit kind of thing. i was in the backyard eating with them at the patio table. it was a beautiful day outside. he sits next to me and helps fill my plate with fruit and stuff. then as i eat and talk to his parents, under the table, he is rubbing my thigh! i thought to myself "ok he will stop soon." no he didnt and yea i got a boner ok. this went on from the time i sat down up until i said we had to leave. i think he was rubbing my leg for a good 20 minutes. in the car i didnt even mention it. it was too awkward to bring up.

my emotions were kind of confused. i was thinking "wait does this guy like me?" it was odd cuz at school all he could talk about was who had the biggest boobs or who the hottest playboy model was. even though he was my best friend, there were things that were just too weird to bring up. i never talked about it but in a way i was always hoping he would.

some few years down the road i remember one day i was on instant messenger. he never messages me cuz we always talk on the phone. he said "can i ask u something?" right when he asked that, i was like whoa this must be something big. i was like "sure." i kinda sounded something like this...

mickey: well i just wanted to know something.
me: sure what is it?
mickey: i just wanted to know if ummmm are u gay or bi? i mean its ok if u r i was just wondering.
me: ummm i dunno. more like curious i guess.
mickey: yea i just wanted to know since u never really talk about girls.
me: well it was always awkward for me to talk about who i like. right now i kinda like this one girl but yea sometimes i find guys kinda cute
mickey: yea i was just wondering cuz u know....u and me can never be
me: ummmm ok
mickey: i dont like u in that way
me: i dont like u in that way either
mickey: u r my best friend u know. one day i would want u there by my side as my best man when i get married.
me: awwww thanks. same to u. ide want u to be mine too. im actually getting teary eyes lol
mickey: well i gotta go study so ill talk to u later

well at that point my eyes were actually watering a little bit when he said he would want me as his best man. i was actually offended that he was so into himself that he thought i was in love with him! that was awkward! that comes with his personality. he can have a big ego. yea i had somewhat of a crush on him when i was younger but that was prolly cuz we got along so well and his leg rubbing didnt help! i think if he never would have rubbed my leg i would have never had those feelings. still to this day, i never brought up that moment. i do still wonder what was that? its ok though. i wouldnt want him anyways hahaha. i love him as a friend but thats it. i always hope he finds that perfect and ill let him know that its usually him that ruins the relationship haha. i always tell him he needs to be a better boyfriend and stop being a jerk.

off topic really quick. i went to visit him once in NY when he was interning. we walked around downtown and we happened to be wearing similar jackets. his was black and mine was red. this guy came up to us and said "awwww u two r so cute together." i was like thanks! in a really sarcastic voice. we walked off laughing. when we with our friends one day a while after he brought it up to them and seemed really proud that we were complimented by a gay guy hahaha. it was kinda cute. i didnt think that much into it or even brought it up before. i guess hes proud that at least it was me.

as time passes though i always wonder. who out there is for me then? i really just want someone simple. someone to hold and to hug each day. someone i can rant to about my boring day. someone who is athletic that i can cheer for and vice versa. sometimes i wish maybe theres a guy out there who had a hard life like me and we can connect instantly. i seem to only be attracted to straight guys which really blows. funny thing is 9 our of 10 friends of mine that are straight have said to me one time or another "if u were a girl ide marry u." im definitely not fruity but all my guy friends think im very caring and i am always there for them. its funny that they tell me that which does in a weird way mean they think of me as a good friend. straight guys tell me im cute more than some girls. most girls just tell me im cute in a brotherly way. i dunno y straight guys say im cute but ill take it hahaha. theres times i wish i was in a relationship with a guy and girl at the same time. pretty much all three of us would be going out together lol. in the end i just want someone who understands me and doesnt judge me. its a tough world.

i guess i continue more about my confusing life later. whoever is reading, let me know what u think.

well the saints won. im actually happy for them! i like it when underdogs win!

Calvin